'I hate seeing [my step-brother] and knowing he gets the dad I lost': Boy gets neglected by father, decides not to attend his father and step-brother's birthday, father and step-mother blow up at him

Author image for Baiz Hoen
Baiz Hoen
Jan 26, 2025 4:00 PM EST

Step-relatives have a wide reputation in the media. You can be an evil stepmother in fairy tales whose sole mission is to destroy the life of your step-child in order to bolster your own. On the other hand, you can be the parent who stepped up, a person who joined the family fold and left it better than they found it. Those videos of kids "adopting" their step-parents are sure to leave you with a tear in your eye.

These stories can translate in their extremes to real life as well. There are plenty of people who have a Step-Monster or who gained a new parent they didn't even ask for. Most of the time, though, it's not as black and white. Sometimes, a person can be a wonderful step-parent, and while not being the parent, they need to be with their own family. That's what one teen is experiencing, and he tells Reddit all about his strained family dynamics. He has to watch his dad become the father he always wanted for his new step-brother, and his step-mother is no angel. When this boy skips out on his dad and step-brother's joint birthday, he faces backlash from his whole family. Does his family deserve his company? Read on to decide.


 

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    "AITA for staying late at school while my dad and his stepson's birthdays were being celebrated?"

    I (17M) don't have a good relationship with my dad. anymore. After my mom di d when I was 9 my dad started treating me differently. We'd been close when mom was alive, but I look like her so I guess that and his grief made it hard for him to be a good dad to me anymore.
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    He would find any excuse to not comfort me. He had dishes to do even though he was watching TV, he had a phone call to make when he was reading a book, he was running to the store while he was doing nothing that I could see. He started making plans for me to spend more time at friends houses after school so I wasn't home as much and some of their parents got tired because my dad never returned the favor. At first
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    never returned the favor. At first they were understanding because they knew mom had di d but you know people don't like being taken advantage of and getting nothing back.
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    He stopped checking on my school work, stopped responding to my teachers over my learning plan, he didn't go to any IEP meetings and so that hasn't been enforced like it used to be. My IEP was for speech issues that I still have.
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    Any time I tried to talk to my dad he was too busy. Even when he had days off work he wouldn't spend them with me or drive me to school like he had before mom di d.
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    He started dating his wife when I was 12 and he married her when I was 13. Her son Gavin was 2 when they met and 3 when they got married and I got to watch my dad be the dad to him that he had been to me in the past. He
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    had been to me in the past. He loved that kid and he seemed so happy. But he still pushed me away whenever I tried getting close to him. And if I asked to be included in things he did with his stepson, he'd say it wouldn't be fair to his stepson and he deserved 1:1 time. I'd ask if we could have some and he'd tell me we'd talk later and if I brought it up later he'd go back to brushing me off with his "no time" comments.
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    I know Gavin didn't cause any of it but I resent him. I've known him since he was 2 and he's 7 now and I do not think of him as a little brother and I have never willingly spent time with him or tried to bond with him. I keep my distance. And that might make me a j on top of everything else but ugh I hate seeing him and knowing he gets the dad I lost. His dad appears once a year, less sometimes and so my dad is the only dad he really has.
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    My dad's wife tried a couple of times to reach out to me and I told her I wasn't interested and I only wanted my dad. She told me to pack my bags then because I'd be disappointed. She wasn't wrong. I don't think she really cared. She might have felt bad for me. But only cares about her son which I get. I was older when she met me anyway.
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    Gavin calls me his brother even though we hardly ever spend any time together. There were times I was brought for what's meant to be family time but it's normally the three of them enjoying stuff Gavin can do and I'm tagging along. My dad doesn't talk to me during those trips. Gavin tries and I try to be not a total to the kid but I don't engage much and I keep my distance.
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    The reason I'm bringing that stuff up is because my dad and his wife have a lot on with work and stuff right now and so they decided to join dad and Gavin's birthdays, which are a week apart and spend a Friday after school and work celebrating. It was last Friday and I was meant to go. Gavin invited me and my dad mentioned it when I was in the kitchen with him and his wife. So I
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    kitchen with him and his wife. So I knew when I was supposed to be there but I stayed late after school and went back to the house after they'd already left.
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    When they got home late Gavin asked why I wasn't there and my dad looked p ed and told me I knew the time and place. I said I did and I chose not to go. I told him I didn't feel like celebrating. He told me not to take our issues out on Gavin and that he's just a kid. His wife complained at me on Sunday because Gavin was still upset I'd skipped it and she told me he heard me tell dad I chose not to go.
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    Dad didn't say anything more directly but he left me a note saying grow up. AITA?
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    People tried to give some good advice in the comments.

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    NTA. So sorry your Dad has abandoned you. Grief or not, he has NO excuse, he's behaving awfully. So, what should you do? I suggest waiting it out till you can leave. doing things with Gavin would be kind, but how long will you be there to be his brother? You are 17 now, living in a house where only a 7 year old boy has any love for you, There is love
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    love for you, There is love elsewhere in the world, you will find it, you will make a new family. If Dad or wife complain just tell them that they have reaped what they sowed, and ask why you should be nice when they, the adults, have failed so badly. Good luck OP
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    Zinger.

    Write back on that note "I am grown up. Had to be. I don't have any parents."
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    Nta tell him that he needs to too because he has been a years. father for the last 8
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    Your dad is the AH, no question about that. He was the grown up when your mother did, and he has basically emotionally abandoned you. So what should you do? Start working for your future, figure out your Education and how to fund it.
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    Do you have grandparents on either sides, talk to them and see if you Can move to them now or at least when you turn 18. Is there any heritance to you from your mother? Can you work beside School? Then leave and then grieve him and go on with your life. without him.
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    Many Will find this Extreme, but it is damaging to live like this. This is mental ab e and your dad wont change. People need emotional connections with their family.
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    NTA. Your dad clearly checked out of being your parent a long time ago, and now he's upset because you're not falling in line to pretend everything's fine. It's sad for Gavin, but if your dad cared about the family dynamic, he should've started with being there for you. You can't be expected to celebrate when he's ignored your feelings for years.
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    NTA. I would just tell his wife that he stopped being a dad to you awhile ago, and if she isn't interested in fixing that and holding him accountable, she doesn't get to expect you, THE CHILD, to put more effort in than your own father.
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    And also Gavin is her problem, not yours. She should be managing his expectations and his wellbeing, and as long as you aren't being cruel to him (which you aren't), then that isn't on you either.
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    These two adults joined families together without doing any of the work it takes to build a family. Your dad basically ditched you, and his wife married him knowing he had done that, neither of them did the work to fix things, but expects you to have gotten over it/moved on and worst of all, expect you to be more forgiving and loving than either of them have been to you.
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  • 28
    I'd just tell them that and focus on building other relationships so you can have a chosen family outside of the home.
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family drama aita brother reddit story Bad Dad dad family Reddit step mom step brother brothers
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